Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Staying 'Team Yellow'

Baby 2 poking out their tongue
I decided long before I was even pregnant with baby 2 that this time I wouldn't find out the gender. One reason was because I'd experienced finding out whether or not I was having a girl or boy with Eliot and wanted to experience the 'not knowing' option. The other reason is because I have the fear I will be disappointed. Disappointed if it was another boy.
So when I told one of my best friends I wouldn't be finding out this time she didn't believe I'd not be able to find out what I was having at the 20 week scan. This made me even more determined not to find out because it is tempting at that 20 week scan!
At 27 weeks I had a 4D scan, I had one with Eliot so didn't think I'd bother this time round but I really wanted Eliot to experience seeing the baby as he wasn't allowed to come to the hospital scans. He did keep asking if it was 'nearly finished' and commenting 'only one more minute' but I came away happy with our precious experience and still none the wiser as to whether it was a boy or girl.
 About a week ago I posted one of the pictures on Instagram encouraging people to comment on what gender they thought baby 2 was. Blue was the favourite, then someone commented it was 'definitely a boy'. That was when the disappointment hit.
Before I say anymore I'll firstly say I know I'm incredibly lucky to have one child and to be expecting another. And that my main concern IS that I have a healthy and safe pregnancy and delivery but  you can't always control your feelings and emotions. 
Back in my teenage years and uni days I remember discussing hopes and dreams for the future and how I'd always wanted to be a mum and how I wanted a daughter. I guess these views and feelings stem from my relationship  with my mum and her relationship with her son (my half brother). I won't say anymore than that they don't have a relationship now and haven't done for many years. I think there is a difference between mother/daughter and mother/son relationships but that's based on my own experiences.
When I was pregnant with Eliot I can honestly say I really didn't mind whether I had a boy or girl, even though I'd convinced myself it was a girl. A work friend had mentioned I looked different and 'glowing'  the day before I took a pregnancy test. So when she said she thought I was having a girl I started to believe I was too! Also thanks to a trip away on a ghost hunt (don't ask) when I asked some metal rods that swung one way for 'yes' and the other for 'no' if I was having a girl and they said yes each time.
When we were told at a 16 week gender scan it was a boy I felt a pang of disappointment because I'd stupidly convinced myself it was a girl. That was it though, I was more excited about going baby boy clothes shopping. and super excited to be having my first child!
Because this is more than likely to be my last pregnancy I would really love to have a daughter and unknowingly I think I thought it was a girl. Thanks to the sonographer at my 20 week scan a seed was planted. I told her we didn't want to find out the gender but as she was looking around I did ask if she could see if it was a boy or girl, to which she replied she hadn't looked as it wasn't 'important'. She spent more time looking closely for all the things they check at the 20 week scan before saying 'move your leg missus' she paused for a few seconds before saying 'or Mr, whatever you are'.
The other half hadn't even noticed she said this. I said to myself and when talking to others that I was taking it with a pinch of salt. Some people and books do refer to babies as 'hes' or 'shes' rather than 'it' but if I was a sonographer I think I would have said 'move your leg baby', not missus or mister. Without really realizing, I begun to convince myself again that it was a girl until the comment on the Instagram photo of 'it's definitely a boy'. So I'm either having a very masculine looking girl or indeed it is a boy! As I said though the most important thing is that all is safe and healthy. It won't matter when he or she is here it's just those initial feelings and emotions I can't help.
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